moonsraven

i guess there is no other way to put it.
younger sister ended up in the hospital with a stroke and she is only one year younger than i am. but to see her in the sicu floor and to see her defeated looking i mean she has been in jail more times than most women i know and she has always survived. but now her hair and skin and eyes show her caving into age. to see her cry in fear of what is happening hurts and even though you cant cry in front of her it makes the tears hurt even more. some parts of my brain shut down and are numb and other parts are screaming and yelling at her to wake up and take the dr. orders to heart. but i know she wont she never really has. but the most wretched thing i heard was her own children calling her by name and not calling her mom.
gail what have you done??? really??? i want to be her side and help her but she cannot lean on us anymore she has to stand up and face the facts she is not 16 anymore.
mind you she has not lived very wisely in her younger days and not very well in her older years either. and i know it is genetic but one would think that reality wake up calls would make her realize this. but nope. found a few things out about her that tend to make me cringe but on the whole no matter what happens or will happen she is my sister and allbeit we have not spoken in awhile i still care for her not the things she says or how she acted but she is my sister.in some ways or other ways she has abused this with all of us. now i look at her and she seems to look like she is in her 50s or 60s wow and i am the oldest one of us.
i do not know if i am more scared for her or her children and grandchildren but i am definitely terrified for me and my own family. i finally get used to being a gma and now reality slaps me up and hollars hey wakey you have the same genes as her.
what about my other sisters and brothers do they have the same chance as i do to get this as well?
i do not think my mike or my own children understand how this whole thing hurts and is very scary. i agree with les that as we grow older should it not be the oldest one who suffers first alerting the others to what happens from our gene pool???
hence why i am numb and confused and hurting. i want my sister to be okay i want her to still try and make my life miserable i want her to be around and say mean things when i pass. i do not wish her to be in pain or unable to move or talk to us or not be able to hug her own grandchildren. i know maybe i am selfish but really she should be around maybe a little longer than me you know???
i am at a loss as what to tell people or even sit down and cry and cry like i feel i should be doing inside you know. i am scared for her and for the rest of us. i just dont understand and i want to i mean the drs told us what caused it but still it does not make it better does it?
i keep my phone by my bed now on high just in case i need to run to her side again. i dont want that to happen at all but i cant stop it can i? nope not me only her and always her.
gail please wake up and see the results in what you have done to yourself please listen to others and to the drs in this.

it seems i finally remembered my pw bout time right??
We are getting ready to have the grandbabies over tonight without the parents who are coming out tomorrow after 3 i am tired and nervous because they just dont go to sleep we have to like make them almost. and they play off each other so it can be kinda nerve wracking but when they are finally settled it is awesome to watch them sleep mind you i should be sleeping as well but i dont right away in case they wake up and need a hug or a drink and just to be held to make the scary things go away. that is my favorite time it was my sons as well. our time when i could watch them sleep and know they are okay. but they make up for not going to sleep by loving up gma and gpa lol...... not so nervous as i am tired lol.......gotta take a nap....lol and i just got up lol

there are many words floating in my head and not many to use
so yes i am still me and still confused and out of the loop once more
have moved away from my children and my family to where only the cows can be heard and where you can smell the farms if the wind blows just right SIGHS
when people say things are tough all over they really mean it big time.
there is so much to process in my head and all of it weighs heavy on my heart and even more so on my tired old brain the tears want to come but i cant cry anymore for things lost and forgotten or for pains that are truly bad and going to consume me.
part of my feels like an utter failure and wants to be alone to lick my wounds and another part wants to run screaming into the dark. while yet another part of me wants to grab a big stick and chase people down who just dont understand.
inside i am screaming and having a royal fit.
i guess this one of those days that i wish they would have just left me to sleep what lil of my life away it would be done by now over 2 years ago now. i could have watched my grandchildren grow up without me my sons continue doing what they are doing.
well maybe not then i would not have mike in my life but then again am i a good thing for him and does he still see things this way???
things that have gone well so far this year my grandson is 2 my granddaughter is now 1 mike and i are engaged.
maybe i am being petty and maybe i am just full of self pity i dont know anymore
but i can tell you this i miss my darkness where i could hide away and just be depressed and cry without anyone ever knowing .

do you ever get the feeling that your sons wives are only nice to you because your their husbands mom???
i am getting that feeling alot lately.
i want to see my grandchildren but not at the cost of my feelings being hurt or feeling like that they are nice to me because i am the mom of the ones they choose to spend their life with.
i think i may just step back finish doing what i told them i would do and then just stop calling texting and all that kind of stuff for them
they found lives and loves and have good children and other families of their own i do not need to be part of theirs anymore well okay maybe not so much these days.
so beware when your sons grow up and marry your feelings may get hurt and you might even feel left out. just step back and watch from a safe distance and love them no matter what happens.

many things running through my head and a heart wieghs heavy tears near the surface but never show.
a father who appears immortal yet falters more frequently now showing his own mortality.
a mother who has chosen a path no one can fathom and hatred flows from every pore.
sons who became men when my back was turned and now struggle to make their own lives and families complete.
a family whose pain is immense both physical and emotional.
a loving man stuck in the middle even though i know he will not say he is stuck but volunteers to be along with me here in this place.
a friend i worry about watching her on the edge nearly falling day after day.
and me watching and feeling all the pain knowing i can help only a little but not as much as i wish to. i can absorb the pain and am most willing to do so. i love them all and will gladly lay down and die for them all.
i have tried to live my life everyday kindly and with an open mind and so far i think i have done so but i know i may have faults which hinder some days and somedays are blacker than others.
maybe it is just i feel i am watching my father fade slowly and am unable to voice this thought due to the fact that i do not want to think about or make my sister more stressed out.
i do not remember the last time i told my father that i love him and always have. i may not have listened and fought him all the way but inside my heart and mind i have listened and kept to heart the advice he had given. my dad watched and offered so much when my life was so upside down and when my world came crashing down around me and i did not know what to do. and now i think about all the times i should and could have said something to him to let him know but fear kept from doing so.
and now becoming a grandma again i do not want that to be a problem for my grandchildren. and the gods have seen to bless me with one of each a grandson and a granddaughter there is no luckier woman than me at this moment and i want to do things right by them and make sure they grow up as strong as their own Koobie is and always will be.

there are times like now i am lost and want to break.
just a week ago i was doing okay with the responsibility of taking in my great nephew jaylen to help my niece. and now in her paranoia thanks to her husband who should have no say in this due to the fact that he is not a good person and has no job nor is he trying to provide for his family. my niece took jaylen away from where he was safe and happy. we did not allow her contact or deny visitation as she is his mom and i would never keep family apart. she has one son with my other sister who she does not provide for and no one has asked her for anything just to keep them safe. and i have seen dollar himself whip the kids with a belt for wetting the bed and yes i have stopped him while they were staying in my home. as she could not i do not know why she gave him so much control or allowed him to do so. but now jaylen has talked to skye and told her that yes his dad has hit his mom.
and my sister is wearing down and feeling depressed about her own world and life and how things are going.
i cannot stop her tears even laughter cant help when there are more tears then laughter.
i worry at night and when i am alone does jaylen have a place where he is safe and does he have clean clothes and someone to talk to who does not tell him to shut up.? someone to help him learn to read and that you need to go to school to find a good job and that to follow and dream is a wonderful thing.
someone to worry about how he is feeling and does he have enough food? everytime i think of it the tears start and sometimes stop. she could have left him with me but no she got him and left his brother with my sister. and what about the new baby? how come he does not have to work and can wander around sleeping and getting others pregnant? why has no one stepped in?
now she maybe in illinios trying to get a job in a strip club as a waitress?
yes she did leave him but i guess he found her. where is her mind save your children it is not as though there is not enough family to help her with the kids and insure that she gets help for herself and the children.
all i could tell jaylen when i left him with his mom was always to remember no matter what i love him and if he needs me just to think of me and i will try and find him. i feel as though i lost him and i am not able to help him.
so now i will try and help my sister with his brother and ensure that he is happy and feels like someone wants him around. one day i can hope that i will see jaylen again and help him feel good again and that both boys are wanted and will always be safe.

having come off the worst week known to everyone who has suffered the same kind of week. Lucky to have come off it all? and it seems to have had leftovers for some of us.
It is hard to be happy all the time especially since mike and i have become engaged now. (no date has been set)
my friend john shot himself in the head and is in the behaviorail ward in the hospital. i am doing the paperwork for temp guardian for my nephew (which you pay for and it is a forest of trees they give you) mikes project has him stressed out constantly. work schedule up and down more than if you were attending a catholic service. finding a new apt that is pet friendly!
best friend jobs now insecure.
cant sleep even with sleeping pills.
wow what a week hope the month is not like this
and an sca event at the end ofthe month or camping with best friend?
ackkkkkk!
to much to think of at this point
and i have to go and see my sister again and find a kitten for my niece and am still waiting for another niece to be born sheesh!
wants to smash her plate and get a new one cuz things keep getting piled up on this one.
and a big raspberry to the one who said the gods only give you what they feel you can handle.... well stop already please it does not sound like a lot but when it all comes at once it is alot!

time heals all wounds they sing about preach about
counsel you about.
but honestly does it?
i mean i am now with a wonderful person but somehow past things keep popping into my head.
and the more i ignore them the louder they scream.
so much so that even my own writing is being affected not that i am good at it but i cannot even think two words much less feel two words together.
i am lost and for now i think i am meant to be not sure yet
but i cannot go home for i gave up my home for this
not sure if i belong or not part of does not feel as though i do yet
the other part wants to belong
i may just run screaming back into the darkness because damn this light crap hurts my heart

there is no absolution in his kiss
there is no solace in his embrace.
there is no resolution in his tenderness
but my heart beats for him
lost is the bloodstained kiss

so i was just sitting enjoying some time out with a neice just shopping
nothing much just like trying to figure out what to get the man in my life for the celebration of a massacre right like most people do around this time.
i know i should have just let my phone die peacefully and not replace it
cuz it never rings with happy news EVER!!!!
but now texts i get are happy and funny go freakin figure!
anyway it is my one neice crying up a storm cuz everyone is yelling at her
allbeit she has had it hard this past year with being molested and being kicked out and push around by her mom and sister.
and it is my sisters fault for not being there and putting down the law to her kids and where GAIL IS CONCERNED I GET DRAMA and never works out and i am always in trouble for listening to her kids complain about her and such things. now my sons are grown and living the good life and becoming parents and married and planning weddings. sheesh i moved in with the boyfriend and was informed now i am an s.o. sheesh!!!!
i think today on my day off i am going to go and grab dewey and hide someplace warm and NO PHONES ALLOWED!!!!